Hell’s Kitchen 4/1 — Hell’s Kitchen returns, and it’s only been 6 months. I was dreading the return of this show, but it was actually a pretty good episode. Gordon Ramsay went undercover to spy on the contestants on their way to the kitchen, and then revealed himself to squeals and hugs. He did the usual tasting of the signature dishes and eviscerating the chefs, and then it was on to the cooking. The men’s team lost and self-proclaimed “Mr. Mom” Dominic was sent home. The best quotes of the night came not from Ramsay, but from the contestants:

“I put up with a nine year old and a six year old hollering at me, Chef Ramsay has nothing on me.”
“I’m still a four star general, on the streets, and in the kitchen!”
“I vote ME for captain!”
“The only thing I’m gonna lose to a woman is, like, an ironing contest.”
“I think tonight has the possibility of being a trainwreck.”
“Knowing the menu is one thing. Cooking the menu is another.”
“I call her Barbie because she’s blonde with big knockers.”
“We’re all a bunch of blind monkeys running around a kitchen, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“At least try to put some scoot in your boot.”

Can’t wait until next week! (Fox, Tuesday at 9pm)

Last Restaurant Standing 4/1 — With only five restaurants left, Raymond Blanc challenged the couples to think about branding their restaurant and defining their message. They were also to offer a gourmet cooking class to the public, and they could charge whatever they liked. Jeremy, whose restaurant is perhaps the most gourmet of all of them, looked awfully nervous. He was the only one to charge for the lessons (20£!), and also the only one to completely botch the thing, cooking an unfamiliar recipe from a book (and not well). Emma meanwhile decided that they would make Bravo into a bistro, and she wasn’t sure what that meant. Luckily for her (Blanc would have torn that apart) the printer made a mistake and left the word “bistro” off of her promotional materials. Instead she and Martin decided to do a barbecue and Champagne dinner. Okay… Emma also seemed confused as the what a brand actually was. “Nike?” she guessed to the inspector. The inspector confirmed that yes, Nike is a brand. Lloyd and Adua, who have probably the strongest brand and message, concentrated on getting customers in by offering a student discount. The Scottish restaurant finally embraced its tartan roots and served deep fried Mars bars, winning the challenge. (BBC America, Tuesday at 9pm)

Bizarre Foods 4/1 — Zimmern visited Bolivia, home of potatoes and quinoa (which I love). He ate a dish of gamey lamb kidneys that Zimmern said needed to be soaked in milk, but ate some tripe that was “as clean as any [he's] ever tasted.” And how about the bull’s penis soup? He liked the “rich chewy texture.” He also sampled a traditional Bolivian dish that contained just about every organ meat you can think of, and according to Zimmern it smelled like a butcher shop whose electricity had gone out and whose windows and doors had been sealed shut. Zimmern declared it the best version of the dish he’s ever tasted. He went to a restaurant with the too-cute name of Pronto Dali-catessen (there was a big picture of Dali on the sign), where they have a lot of llama on the menu. At a local market Zimmern had some lamb jerky that scared him, because it had hair and bones in it. It “tastes like the pile of hay the little lamb sleeps on” (the llama jerky he sampled later on tasted like venison). There was some discussion of llama fetuses, which apparently abort naturally quite often, and how the burned fetuses are used as good luck charms on dinner tables. Zimmern traveled deep into Bolivia to sample chuños. These are potatoes which have been dug up, allowed to freeze on the field overnight, then thawed on the field, then frozen, thawed, etc. for three days. Then they are dried and then peeled, using your bare feet (yes, they rinse their feet beforehand). When sorting through a pile of chuños, Zimmern asked “do we leave the rabbit behind?” I think this is the first time we’ve seen him curse on-camera. It made him a little more likable. He sampled fresh armadillo (not the first time he’s eaten armadillo) and feral pig at a “rustic” restaurant, which was basically a dirt lot. Finally, Zimmern traveled to Lake Titicaca and saw quinoa growing. Did you know that it’s not really a grain, but a grass, and that it only grows above 6500 ft? I didn’t know that. Zimmern invited the locals to stay with him if they’re ever in the States, and I can only imagine that scene. (Travel Channel, Tuesday at 10pm)

Top Chef 4/2 — This was actually a really good episode, and you know why? It focused on the food and cooking. The quickfire was judged by Daniel Boulud (click here for what I thought about Cafe Boulud), who said that technique is the most important thing chefs need. The challenge was to demonstrate three techniques to impress Daniel, making a vegetable platter. We learned that Richard and Ryan both worked for Daniel, but Ryan (who has already demonstrated his idiocy in earlier episodes) said it “wasn’t [his] style.” Nikki was “completely intimidated,” and it turns out that about half of these chefs have not been “classically trained.” After tasting, Daniel said he wished that everyone had taken a few minutes to make a plan, and then execute it. Zoi (and her perfect poached egg), Richard (and his “interestingly prepared” mushroom), and Dale (with his perfectly tournéed avocado) were the top three, and Dale won the immunity. For the elimination challenge, the chefs were paired off and told to make a dish inspired by their favorite movie (Daniel mentioned “Casablanca” as his, and said it would lead to Moroccan dishes). The food was to be served to a dinner that Richard Roeper was throwing for Aisha Tyler. Wha..? As the winner, Dale got to choose which team he wanted to work with, and chose Richard and Andrew, both strong contenders for Top Chef. They chose “Willy Wonka,” and went the whimsical route. Spike and Manuel chose “Good Morning Vietnam,” mostly so Spike could show off his Vietnamese cooking chops. Jennifer and Nikki chose “Il Postino,” so they could make some pasta (this is Nikki’s big thing). Antonia and Zoi chose “Talk to Her” so they could make something with strong Spanish flavors. The idiot Ryan wanted to do “Dumb and Dumber,” but Mark convinced him not to. There was a funny moment when Ryan came up with the idea of using “A Christmas Story,” but couldn’t remember the name and couldn’t quite communicate it to Mark. Finally, Lisa and Stephanie wisely decided not to make a dessert, and instead chose “Top Secret” because there’s a scene with a cow in it and they could make a beef dish. The results? The Vietnamese spring roll got a thumbs down, but everyone else did pretty well. Roeper thought the “Il Postino” pasta dish was “wonderful,” though he liked it a little but more than the others did. The “Christmas Story” dish was “really delicious,” and though the “Talk to Her” dish was not as fiery as they would have liked, they thought it was well done. Finally, the “Top Secret” beef dish was great. Aisha Tyler said it was “an original dish,” and was very impressed. When Padma and her amazing cleavage called the “Willy Wonka” and “Top Secret” teams in to give them kudos, the other teams got bitchy. As Richard got the win for his taking the lead with the Wonka dish, Zoi complained that the Wonka dish (which incorporated smoked salmon, tapioca “caviar,” and a chocolate-wasabi sauce) could not be a winning dish. “That doesn’t taste good, I promise” said Zoi. “I won,” said Richard, entering the room. The two bottom teams were “Talk to Her” and “Good Morning Vietnam,” though the girls were mostly there because they called their dish fiery and vibrant when it was not. Manuel was sent home for being too much of a follower on the lousy spring roll. He made a very gracious exit speech, and then he was gone. Next week: Ming Tsai! Scaly fish! Dale flips out! (Bravo, Wednesday at 10pm)

Posted by Howard